


Shame

by grrlinabook



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Eventual Smut, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, My First Fanfic, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Rey Needs A Hug, but it's gonna be okay, canon compliant through tlj, it's gonna get dark
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-04
Updated: 2018-06-14
Packaged: 2019-05-17 23:49:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14841560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grrlinabook/pseuds/grrlinabook
Summary: Kylo Ren is done.





	1. The Quiet Center

**Author's Note:**

> So I decided to finally write a fanfic. I have no idea what I'm doing, since I'm a technical/research writer not a fiction/creative writer. Imma just leave this right here and hopefully someone gets some enjoyment out of it. Even though it's full of angst.

“Rey.”

Kylo Ren is suddenly beside her. “KRIFF!” Rey yells and jumps up from the fallen log where she's been sitting, dropping the comm parts she is working on.

He looks at her in silence as she reaches to gather the scattered small parts from the forest floor. Rey stands up and looks at him. Same intense black eyes. Same ugly scar from their battle on Starkiller, bisecting his solemn face. She can’t see his surroundings, but he must be in a chair or something because he appears to be sitting on the log she has just abandoned. He’s dressed in his usual black robes, cowl obscuring the rest of what she knows is the scar’s path down his neck and chest. Curiously, he is not wearing gloves and his hands lay bare and folded together in his lap.

Rey glares down at him. “Damnit Ren, I know I should be more used to this by now but could you at least make an effort not to scare the happabore piss out of me?”

He stares quietly at his hands, not looking at Rey. “I’m done. I don’t want to do this anymore.”

She huffs at him in confusion. “What… I don’t understand. I don’t want this anymore than you do! And if you’ve discovered how to stop it, then why are you talking to…”

“NO!” He yells, finally looking up at her. “No, I mean I don’t want _any_ of this anymore. I don’t care about the First Order. I don’t care about the kriffing galaxy or what happens to any of it. Everything is just… _meaningless_! It’s NOTHING!” Kylo stands now, and begins pacing in front of her, bare hands clenched into fists at his sides. “I thought that following Vader’s path in the Force, finishing what he started… becoming Supreme Leader… was my destiny. That finally bringing true order to the galaxy would help me find peace. But it hasn’t. Han, Luke, Snoke… my mother. They all tried to control me, to use me for their own purpose. None of them saw ME! I refused to be who any of them wanted me to be. I thought I had found myself in the Dark. But I still wanted their approval. And it was tearing me apart so I thought killing them would make it stop. I thought I could _create_ myself in the Dark, find a purpose that belonged to _me_.” He stops pacing and looks at her, an expression on his face that she can’t identify. “But it didn’t. I didn’t. _I can’t_. I’m too kriffing weak.”

Shame, she realizes. Kylo Ren is ashamed.

“Kylo… _Ben_. Let me help you. Leave the First Order and come to us. Your mother she… she can’t help you anymore, but I can. I will, I promise!”

He turns away from her, looking intently at something she cannot see. “No. It’s too late.”

“No it’s _not!_ ” She steps toward him, gesturing back towards the entrance to the small base where the remnants of the Resistance members have been holed up for weeks. “I can talk to General Dameron about coming to some kind of surrender agreement. You can help us, tell us everything you know about the First Order’s plans and weapons and…”

He swings his body around and advances on her in fury, but she stands her ground. He stops just a hand’s breadth away, towering over her in seething rage. “You aren’t listening, Rey! You. NEVER. LISTEN! I am _not_ switching sides. I will not surrender to the Resistance. I WILL NOT help the rebels. I don’t give a kriff about _any_ of it! Luke was right to turn his back on it all. He was a blind, arrogant fool but the smartest thing he ever did was to abandon it all to go live on that island.”

Rey looks at him steadily, and lifts her chin. “Then I’ll go with you.”

He barks a mirthless laugh. “Why now? I _begged_ you to leave the Resistance behind, to join me and to let it all go. You responded by knocking me out and leaving me to die on that ship!”

She shakes her head, “No, Ben… I was… _confused_. I thought that you were asking me to become like you and - ”

“And of course you wouldn’t want to become like me, would you?” he scoffs. “You’re just like them. You don’t see _me_. You only see what you want to see. The monster.”

Rey is silent, struggling to find the right words to convince him that she does see him. That she knows how much pain his conflict has caused him, that she understands why he thought his torment would end with killing his father. That she can forgive him. But does she? Can she?

He sighs heavily and closes his eyes. She notices for the first time that he seems… tired. Dark circles mar the skin beneath his eyes, almost like a mask. “I’m not your problem, Rey. If I cut myself off from the Force, then I’m pretty sure that these… visits… will stop. I’ll find a way to _make it_ stop. One way or another.” His eyes open, black and resigned.

“What do you mean?” Her voice sounds shrill with panic in her own ears. “Ben, what are you planning?”

Shaking his head, he replies, “I’m leaving. That’s all you need to know. Rey… you should leave the Resistance. _Please_. It’s only a matter of time before they get you killed. Or worse.” He looks at her with something that is almost desperation. “The First Order will catch up with you eventually and I don’t…. Please, just find someplace safe,” he pleads.

“I don’t have anywhere to go. I’m nobody,” she smiles wistfully. “ _Nothing_. Remember?”

They gaze at one another with shared intensity. A small almost smile lifts the corner of his mouth. “Not to me,” he answers.

Something rustles loudly in the lush foliage of the forest around them, and Rey whips her head suddenly to see Rose Tico stepping into the small clearing. “Rey, Finn is asking if you were able to fix the comm so we can…”

Rey turns back to the fallen log, but Kylo is gone. She stares at the empty space and covers her mouth to stop what she suspects might be a sob.

Rose walks to stand next to her. “Are you okay? Rey? Hellooooo?”

Rey takes a deep breath and manages to summon up a smile as she turns to her friend. “Um, yeah. I’m alright, sorry. Just… I’m fine. Let’s get back inside and I’ll get that comm working. I just need to find one more part and we should be back in action.”

 _I’ll see him again_ , Rey thinks to herself as she walks beside Rose back toward the Resistance base. _I’ll try to reach him through the Force and… and I’ll convince him to… to… I don’t know. But I will find him before he…. I’ll find him._


	2. He Hears the Song of Nature

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a rewrite of the second chapter that I had originally posted. I wasn't happy with it and stewed about it for days, so I decided to go back and change it. I am completely new to this, and I'm really approaching this as a learning experience. So my apologies for posting something before it was really fully formed. This is not necessarily any better, but at least I changed the things that were driving me crazy.

 

_Two Weeks Earlier_

 

Kylo exits the turbolift and stalks heavily onto the Subjugator’s bridge, black robes swirling behind him. Hux stands waiting near the transparisteel viewport, practically spitting with poorly concealed impatience.

“Supreme Leader, so _good_ of you to join us.” Kylo stares at Hux impassively. Hux still seems disturbed by the sight of Kylo’s scarred face, which has been on display for all to see since Kylo destroyed his masked helmet in his rage after that humiliating audience with Snoke. He doesn’t remember making a decision not to replace it. “We found evidence that the rebels had been using the cave to conceal their location on the planet for at least several weeks. The local village was full of nothing but miserable peasants who insisted that they were completely ignorant of anyone having been in the area. My stormtroopers destroyed the village and everyone in it to be certain that no rebel sympathizers or informants remained. And obviously to send a clear message that the First Order has a zero-tolerance policy for anyone suspected of giving quarter to the Resistance.”

Kylo sneers at Hux’s smug report. Hux had been Snoke’s protégé in building the First Order’s vast military operations, while Kylo had been Snoke’s apprentice in the Dark side of the Force. They had been engaged in a constant battle of trying to one-up the other, desperate to gain favor over the other in the eyes of their master.  “So you’re telling me that not only did you fail to apprehend, interrogate, or destroy any of the pathetically few members of what remains of the Resistance, but you also killed anyone who may have had information about where they might have gone?” 

Hux’s face reddens and contorts in fury. “No, of course not!” he spits at Kylo with offended disgust. “We interrogated every last one of them but none knew anything useful! I’ve been at this longer than you, Ren, and if you had only heeded my advice back… aahhgk!” The admiral grasps frantically at his throat.

Now Kylo is the one looking smug. Thank the Force for the ability to shut down pompous tirades with the wave of a hand.

“You just don’t learn, do you _Admiral_ Hux? I am the one in control here. You’re a useful strategist, but if you can’t even find and destroy two dozen underfed vermin then I’m not sure what purpose your continued existence serves.” Kylo releases Hux with a dismissive flick of his gloved fingers, and the man barely stops himself from falling to the ground.

Raising himself up to stand, back straight and head held high, Hux glares at Kylo with haughty indignation. “As you know, _Supreme Leader_ , vermin are adept at hiding in every sewer drain and bolthole they can manage to fit through. We will cut them off from any possible source of weapons or support. We’ll find them before they can manage to recover from their near-destruction on Crait and begin to grow their ranks again. The Resistance is as good as dead.”

Kylo turns to walk swiftly back to the turbolift. Not bothering to look back to see if Hux is following him, he does not quite shout, “Stay out of my sight until you have something useful to tell me, Admiral Hux.” 

The turbolift carries him to the level where his new personal quarters are located. Kylo ignores the droids, Stormtroopers, and other First Order personnel who scurry out of his way and address him as _Supreme Leader_ with deference as he sweeps by. Is this what power is? An endless monotony of enforcing one’s will through constant discipline and control of those around you? Kylo enters his rooms and begins to remove his cowl and cloak, suddenly feeling choked and stifled in the heavy garments. He’s already sick and tired of the constant jockeying for position among the First Order military hierarchy. The deceit, the backstabbing, the pointless mockery of abeyance and genuflection they show him as their new Supreme Leader. And for what? Power, wealth, safety… but none of them seem to actually enjoy it. There is only the next weapon to build, the next planet to subdue, the next plutocrat to buy. And his so-called Knights… scattered across the galaxy, no doubt watching and waiting to see how quickly Kylo Ren will fall.

He leans his forehead and raised fists against the transparisteel of the large viewport, looking out into the vast galaxy that he now supposedly rules. The power of the Dark should not be reduced to a mere bureaucratic tool! There is no room for rage now, no chance to feel the soaring euphoria of unleashing his Dark fury in a maelstrom of chaos and destruction. There is only vigilance against the endless threats that surround him. Kylo is a warrior, not a strategist. He had thought that Snoke would show him the true power and freedom to be found through mastery of the Dark side of the Force, that he would help him to extinguish the last embers of Light still shining in the Dark disaster of his soul. But in the end nothing had really changed. He may be Supreme Leader in name, but he is still forced to be what others want him to be. To serve the hunger of his generals, the greed of every plutocrat, the avarice of every politician. _Fear_ is not enough. He could Force choke every one of them and it would not be enough. He can ignite his terrifying saber and scream and rage and destroy everything around him. It would not be enough. This is a game he does not want to play.

Rey. She’s a warrior like him, understands the fierce joy of feeling the Force flow through you in battle. Finally he had found someone who saw all of him, Dark and Light, and wanted nothing from him. He remembers that moment of pure, shining clarity in Snoke’s throne room. As the former Supreme Leader had droned on, gloating about his masterful manipulation of Rey’s belief that she could bring Ben Solo back to the Light, Kylo had felt his conflict suddenly cease. He knew what he had needed to do. He could not let Rey die. Snoke had claimed responsibility for creating the bond between Kylo and Rey, and he had used it to manipulate them both. His Master had used him, lied to him… just like his family had. But Rey has never lied to him. She has insulted and defied him, but everything she thinks and feels is displayed openly on her face. She is too innocent, too naïve to know better. And she is so strong, so stubborn, so much… _herself_. He had thought that they could find a new purpose together, help one another, become stronger together. But he had been wrong. She had only wanted to bring Ben Solo back to his mother. She hates and fears the monster he has become, just like everyone else.

Well, what had he expected? He is a monster, a murderer. A creature so afraid of seeing his true self that he hid behind a mask. Even Snoke had known it. Kylo Ren has delighted in killing, in the power and joy of slaying his enemies with his angry, spitting red lightsaber. He has craved the pleasure of watching the light drain from their eyes and the life leak from their bodies. Now he is… empty. He doesn’t know who he is now. Has he ever known? In the weeks since Crait he has been waiting for his destiny to reveal itself. He has been waiting for another moment of clarity, when he would understand his true purpose as Supreme Leader. Maybe if he had met Rey before… but that’s a useless thought. There is no point to imagining what could have been. He should hate her, but he doesn’t think he is even capable of it. He’s angry at her, wants to make her hurt as much as she has hurt him… but he can’t hate her. He doesn’t quite know what he feels, but he does know that he needs her to be safe. She won’t come to him again, not anymore. But maybe he can still help her.

He needs a plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think in the comments, and thank you for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, if you're reading this note then maybe you read my story so thank you! Since this is my very first fic, any comments and helpful critiques would be welcome. :)


End file.
